" Baldrick.........BALDRICK !!!! "..... shouted the Big ditch controller
" Yes sir........YES SIR, you shouted? ....... answered Baldrick
" We have a problem, Baldrick " .....snapped the Big ditch controller
" We ? WE ? sir......it is usually just ME who has the problem .....sneered Baldrick
" Do not be facetious Baldrick, it is beneath you, this is serious " answered the Big ditch controller.
"There has been a complaint from a customer, they are unhappy with the width of the Trent and Mersey canal. They are unhappy with their experience. They said their customer experience is below standard !!"......... Wailed the Big ditch controller.
"Who's standard?" .......asked Baldrick
"Do you not listen? THEIR standard !!....how dare they !! " Big Ditch controller replied in an apoplectic shrill voice.
"What seems to be the problem ?" ................asked Baldrick
"Reeds are the problem, apparently. Lots of them".............snapped Big Ditch controller
"I have been telling you about this for years"................came the resigned reply from Baldrick
"What do you know about anything ? especially Reeds?...........sneered Big Ditch controller
"Well, let me see........are you talking about Phragmites Australis, otherwise known as the common reed to people like you....... this can colonize 5 metres per year and research suggests it exudes an acid to destroy competitors or perhaps we have a problem with Azolla Filliculoides ? Azolla is actually a weed and attempts to control it by weed munching Weevils seems to be successful especially in North Yorkshire, the Gloucester and Sharpness canal and recently the Huddersfield Broad canal" .......answered Baldrick with a smug expression.
"Baldrick!........BALDRICK!....I am the one paid to be clever around here. Just shut up and listen"
Big Ditch controller said unkindly.
" I want you to just find out what these boaters are talking about. I will not have gossip of this nature in my ditches...er, canals. Get out there Baldrick and report the situation back to me PDQ if not sooner!"
........... Big Ditch controller snapped in his usual commanding style.
"Yessir.......right away sir " ..........smirked Baldrick touching his forelock.
Baldrick went about his business, as only Baldrick could. Time passed as time does..
" O.K Baldrick, what do have to report ?".......... asked Big Ditch controller.
" It is bad sir...........very bad" .........came the sad reply from Baldrick.
"Well ?" .......asked Big Ditch controller
" Reeds are everywhere,sir. It is a nightmare they are growing before your eyes......and .....and I have something even more terrible to report" ........ replied Baldrick his upper-lip quivering with emotion.
"Get a grip, man. What are you talking about ?" ......... replied Big Ditch controller in his usual understanding manner.
"The boat reported missing with all hands between Middlewich and Anderton last year............the reeds have had it" replied Baldrick.
" Not the ?" demanded Big Ditch controller.
" Yessir, I am afraid so........ the hire boat 'Lesser-spotted Ditch Warbler'. It is terrible sir, terrible, the crew are all skeletons even the little dog. Suffocated by rampant giant reeds what a terrible way to go! " Wailed Baldrick
"Oh dear, never mind, worse things happen at sea " replied the unfeeling Big Ditch controller.
" Shall I order the Reed cutting machine, sir ?" asked Baldrick
"Budgets, budgets, got to watch the budgets, Baldrick. What is the remaining width of the navigation?" asked you know who.
" Six foot , four inches, sir" replied Baldrick, with his usual accurate efficiency
"Plenty of room for them narrowboat thingummys, that is why they are called NARROW boats, eh?....what are they six foot ten inches ?" smirked the BDC
" Yes, but they are crashing head-on into each other on the blind bends, we surely cannot lose anymore to the killer Reed! The humanity ! oh the humanity!!!!!!!!! ......replied an emotional Baldrick
"Control yourself Baldrick!!!!! I have a cunning plan, now listen carefully " .....smirked Big Ditch controller.
" Get onto the hire company and order a set of traffic lights.......place one a few miles past 'Big-lock' where the Reeds start and the other a few miles up the cut where the reeds finish. Problem solved, problem sorted ".......... Smiled a smug Big Ditch controller.
" But sir..........but sir .........." objected Baldrick
" You see Baldrick, that is why I am Big Ditch controller......and you are, er, well just a minion - carry on Baldrick. " Big Ditch controller dismissed Baldrick in his inimitable style.
" Yessir " replied a resigned Baldrick, touching his forelock with two fingers waggling in a strange upwards repetitive motion.
" Yes sir........YES SIR, you shouted? ....... answered Baldrick
" We have a problem, Baldrick " .....snapped the Big ditch controller
" We ? WE ? sir......it is usually just ME who has the problem .....sneered Baldrick
" Do not be facetious Baldrick, it is beneath you, this is serious " answered the Big ditch controller.
"There has been a complaint from a customer, they are unhappy with the width of the Trent and Mersey canal. They are unhappy with their experience. They said their customer experience is below standard !!"......... Wailed the Big ditch controller.
"Who's standard?" .......asked Baldrick
"Do you not listen? THEIR standard !!....how dare they !! " Big Ditch controller replied in an apoplectic shrill voice.
"What seems to be the problem ?" ................asked Baldrick
"Reeds are the problem, apparently. Lots of them".............snapped Big Ditch controller
"I have been telling you about this for years"................came the resigned reply from Baldrick
"What do you know about anything ? especially Reeds?...........sneered Big Ditch controller
 |
| Baldrick's nightmare come true. - reed growth on the Trent and Mersey canal, near Middlewich |
"Well, let me see........are you talking about Phragmites Australis, otherwise known as the common reed to people like you....... this can colonize 5 metres per year and research suggests it exudes an acid to destroy competitors or perhaps we have a problem with Azolla Filliculoides ? Azolla is actually a weed and attempts to control it by weed munching Weevils seems to be successful especially in North Yorkshire, the Gloucester and Sharpness canal and recently the Huddersfield Broad canal" .......answered Baldrick with a smug expression.
"Baldrick!........BALDRICK!....I am the one paid to be clever around here. Just shut up and listen"
Big Ditch controller said unkindly.
" I want you to just find out what these boaters are talking about. I will not have gossip of this nature in my ditches...er, canals. Get out there Baldrick and report the situation back to me PDQ if not sooner!"
........... Big Ditch controller snapped in his usual commanding style.
"Yessir.......right away sir " ..........smirked Baldrick touching his forelock.
Baldrick went about his business, as only Baldrick could. Time passed as time does..
" O.K Baldrick, what do have to report ?".......... asked Big Ditch controller.
" It is bad sir...........very bad" .........came the sad reply from Baldrick.
"Well ?" .......asked Big Ditch controller
" Reeds are everywhere,sir. It is a nightmare they are growing before your eyes......and .....and I have something even more terrible to report" ........ replied Baldrick his upper-lip quivering with emotion.
"Get a grip, man. What are you talking about ?" ......... replied Big Ditch controller in his usual understanding manner.
"The boat reported missing with all hands between Middlewich and Anderton last year............the reeds have had it" replied Baldrick.
" Not the ?" demanded Big Ditch controller.
" Yessir, I am afraid so........ the hire boat 'Lesser-spotted Ditch Warbler'. It is terrible sir, terrible, the crew are all skeletons even the little dog. Suffocated by rampant giant reeds what a terrible way to go! " Wailed Baldrick
"Oh dear, never mind, worse things happen at sea " replied the unfeeling Big Ditch controller.
" Shall I order the Reed cutting machine, sir ?" asked Baldrick
"Budgets, budgets, got to watch the budgets, Baldrick. What is the remaining width of the navigation?" asked you know who.
" Six foot , four inches, sir" replied Baldrick, with his usual accurate efficiency
"Plenty of room for them narrowboat thingummys, that is why they are called NARROW boats, eh?....what are they six foot ten inches ?" smirked the BDC
" Yes, but they are crashing head-on into each other on the blind bends, we surely cannot lose anymore to the killer Reed! The humanity ! oh the humanity!!!!!!!!! ......replied an emotional Baldrick
 |
| "They are crashing head-on into each other on the blind bends" Reed choked Trent and Mersey near Middlewich |
 |
| Killer reeds (Phragmites Australias) Trent and Mersey canal en-route to Middlewich. |
"Control yourself Baldrick!!!!! I have a cunning plan, now listen carefully " .....smirked Big Ditch controller.
" Get onto the hire company and order a set of traffic lights.......place one a few miles past 'Big-lock' where the Reeds start and the other a few miles up the cut where the reeds finish. Problem solved, problem sorted ".......... Smiled a smug Big Ditch controller.
" But sir..........but sir .........." objected Baldrick
" You see Baldrick, that is why I am Big Ditch controller......and you are, er, well just a minion - carry on Baldrick. " Big Ditch controller dismissed Baldrick in his inimitable style.
" Yessir " replied a resigned Baldrick, touching his forelock with two fingers waggling in a strange upwards repetitive motion.
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